I earlier shared here an experience I had during my practice of (well, I call them “attempts” at) silence, mindfulness. In that post I slightly opened a window onto how I try to practice mindfulness. I’d like to share another episode from my attempts, a brief conversation I had last week as I sat silently.
Me: I’m here for you.
Christ: And I am here for you. I am yours and you are mine.
Me: I am yours, and you are mine.
Christ: [Piercing and loving stare.]
Me: Lord, all I have here inside me are false and selfish selves – afraid, alone, lustful, angry, lazy. There’s nobody here but these.
Christ: I am yours and you are mine.
Me: OK, but just so you know, there’s nobody home here. I see you here looking around for…
Christ: Looking around?
Me: Yeah, looking around for the real me, the true self. I can’t find him.
Christ: Well, first of all, I don’t “look around.” But do you actually see me in your mind ‘looking around’, lifting up furniture, opening closet doors, ‘looking for’ someone?
Me: Well, not like that, no. But I look around and all I see is emptiness. So I assume…
Christ: Exactly. You assume. So what do you actually see/imagine me doing? What’s the basic form my presence in you has taken since you first noticed I was here?
Me: Your eyes – like the icons I contemplate – lovingly viewing me, seeing me. Your unchanging gaze fixed on me.
Christ: That’s right. I don’t “look around.” I simply “see” – truthfully, hopefully, creatively, lovingly.
Me: Then you see that there’s no one here but false selves.
Christ: So who am I talking to?
Christ: Who am I talking to? Who is speaking to me? Who is it that sees the false self and confesses that it’s false? Who’s doing that? You choose to sit here in the silence. Who chooses that just to see me seeing him? Just another false self?
Me: Couldn’t be. False selves only seek to hide from you.
Christ: That’s right. And I don’t engage them, don’t see them the way I’m seeing you right now, and, in seeing you, invite you into Our company.
Christ: Well, there *you* are. And have you ever not seen me seeing you?
Me: No. Your gaze has always been the fixed horizon of my every waking moment, even in my darkest hours. Even when I was hiding, failing, running – your face and gaze were always front and center seeing me.
Christ: That’s right. I am yours.
Me: And I am yours.
Christ: And you are mine.
Me: And you are mine.